I am not okay!

Last summer we planned a mini vacation to Great Wolf Lodge. Because we had free tickets to 6 Flags and could not stand to see them go to waste, we decided to make a stop by there on our way up to Grapevine. Just thinking back, I am hot, tired, and out of sunscreen! The plan was for me, my four children, my sister in law, nephew and Mom to impart on this journey together. I had to pack for the day and then also pack for the weekend. As usual, my husband, brother, and Dad planned to work and then join us right about the time we checked into Great Wolf, unpacked all of the bags, and were ready to play by the pool and relax!



The kids and I were running around the house getting ready. I applauded them because I could see four monogrammed suitcases forming a nice line at the door, the teacher in me. I decided that there was just enough time to do the dishes before we finished packing up the already overloaded car. Blaise, my youngest, 3 at the time, was perched in her usual spot on the kitchen counter beside me. I scrubbed, she talked, I rinsed, she dried. All was well until she hopped down to put something away and had a run-in with my husband's new and improved SLAPCHOP! If you are not sure what I mean by a SLAPCHOP, google it for a visual. It is one of the many kitchen gadgets that we have around here because my husband is a splendid cook and falls for anything with a live demonstration at the State Fair of Texas, thus our SLAPCHOP.

As luck would have it, the sharp, handy little blade diced the side of Blaise's cute, little, pinkie toe. I never dreamed in my wildest dreams that a pinkie toe could bleed so much. I placed her back up on her perch to my right so I could finish up the dishes and apply pressure to her toe at the same time. She cried and cried! I kept on telling her that she was okay, hoping and praying she really was because we did not have time for much more than a band-aid.



Time passed, the others finished another episode of whatever cartoon was blaring in the background...and Blaise still was crying! I tried to get her mind off of the pain again bribing her with an early morning piece of candy, telling her again she was o.k., but she still cried! I told her that her cousin Bragg, her BFF, was waiting on us and that she would be okay, but still more tears! I made funny faces and reminded her of the big bucket of water dumping on her Dad's head at Great Wolf, but she still cried!

When I finished the dishes and dried off the excess water from all around the sink like I was trained to do when I was a little girl, I scooted over right in front of Blaise to help her ease down safely and smoothly. I wrapped my arms around her, hugged her tight and said again "Blaise, you are okay"

By this point, her pigtails were wet with tears and her signature pink tank needed to be changed because of the snot valve that automatically turns on when we shed too many tears all at once. She waited until she had my full attention with no distractions and my face was right smack dab in front of hers, and she screamed at me "I AM NOT OKAY" Silence fell on the room. (That does not happen often around here.) Our little Blaise had had it! She was done! She was so mad at us all for telling her she was going to be okay because at the time, she was not okay. Her pinkie toe had met up with the SLAPCHOP and the pinkie lost the match, fair and square. Blaise said, or should I say yelled, what I have so wanted shout so many times in my life! I am not okay!



Have you ever had a day, moment, or even year or two in your life when you wanted to just shout out at the top of your lungs that you were not okay? I sure have. It may have been something huge, like facing your own diagnosis or facing one with a friend. Possibly your breaking point came with the news of a death in the family or news that your child had a disease or learning disability. Some of us are not okay, in the least bit, because of infertility, divorce, or massive financial stresses.

Maybe the last time you wanted to grab a microphone attached to a big speaker and announce "I am not okay" was last week when you overslept, forgot the meeting, and played the role of referee for the hundredth time jumping in the middle of your quarreling children who never seem to get along! They say "We are okay, Mom" but you wanted to yell out a big "I am not okay."

We all feel it. It comes and goes. In this life we will have times when we look up and everyone seems to be moving along at a steady pace in the right direction, kind of like they are strapped to a gigantic people mover at the airport, effortlessly on their way to the next terminal. You glance up from your situation and want to pull the plug on the human conveyor belt forcing them all to a screeching halt and scream "STOP, I need help here. I am not moving. I am stuck. Everyone else is okay here, but I am not."

Have you ever felt like you wanted to shake your fist at God too and let Him know that you are not okay with the way things down here are going? Guilty again, I sure have and I must admit that it has been as often over the little details in life as it has with the big. I think it is okay to let the Lord know you are not okay with the latest news in your life or possibly with the last 24 hours. He already knows it anyway, so why not be honest? He can take it and will deal with it better than anyone else. There have been times as well I will admit that I have not been able to open my Bible or even vaguely remember one of the latest memory verses I had neatly written on one of my note cards.

In one of those times of despair, I learned a valuable tool. I looked up at heaven one day, shrugged my shoulders, and simply said "You are God." I repeated it a few times, knowing it was true, and soon felt a rush of peace. Saying "You are God" out loud is a force to be reckoned with in hard times because even though you may be in a state of confusion, you are also praising God and forcing your mind back into a state of belief, a state of faith.

I love Psalms 139. I read it often to remind myself that whether it be the past, present, or future on my mind and destroying my peace, that I am okay. The Psalm says "You hem me in - behind and before - you have laid your hand upon me." Those words and believing them to be true, seem to make it all okay.